I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
