After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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