Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
