I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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