Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
