Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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