So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This baby is an asshole
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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