I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
