I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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