I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You are a genius and a whore.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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