Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
