I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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