I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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