remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
