I could make wine with my vomit
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
