Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
