When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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