I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
