So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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