Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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