ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
