im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
