I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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