This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
