Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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