2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
