Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
