As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
