very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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