I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm passing your future prison.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This baby is an asshole
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
