Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
