he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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