I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
