Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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