omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
high people should be assigned attendants
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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