I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
