Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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