Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize