Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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