Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
