Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
