Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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