Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
