New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
