i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This toilet bowl is my home.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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