Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
