I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
