chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
