Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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