A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
