Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
