i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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