I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
