I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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