He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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