We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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