Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
