I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
