I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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