So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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